To get something off my chest. I'm not really sure why I'm writing this out, mostly to be cathartic for myself and partially because I can't be the only one feeling like this, but a lot of times it sure feels like it!
Does anyone feel like they're reliving high school again? That feeling that you just don't fit in and everyone else does? First of all some things about me: I'm loyal to a fault, I can be overly sensitive, I'd do anything for anyone (driving miles upon miles to change tires, deliver suitcases, etc.), I hold grudges, I have a strangely good memory for events(I remember when my sister was born...I was two years old), when I say I'll do something I do everything I can to do it, I'm scatterbrained and disorganized.
That combination of things makes for someone who gets hurt easily and doesn't forget it. And before I go further, this grumpy soliloquy (Definition: noun; the act of talking to oneself) is not based on any specific event so no one go thinking that I'm writing this about you...I'm not.
Anyone have that feeling like everyone else has their friends, their lives, everything together, and you're sitting on the outside wishing you had your friends, your lives, and everything together? To explain, my sister is the life of the party. Everyone loves her. She has lots of friends and is the most fun person to be around. Actually both of my sisters are a lot like that. I am not. I am witty and can be hurtful with my wit. I say inappropriate things. I hurt people's feelings. I like a few really good friends, and not lots of semi friends. I am awkward around people I don't know. I can fake emotion really well, hence I can appear outgoing when I'm actually really shy.
When I look at my youth group girls I see the girls that were me and I see the girls I wanted to be friends with. When you're living through high school you think the "cool kids" are limited to that, high school. It's strange when you realize life always has the "cool kids" and that maybe God didn't mean for you to be one of them. It's strange, and strangely hurtful. I'm an adult, I have a husband and a child, and yet, I'm still not mature enough not to be hurt over trivial things. I don't know what the solution is other than to do my best not to be hurtful and put my big girl panties on and grow up a little when I get hurt.
Wow, how life has changed!
2 years ago
2 comments:
I hear you...I am glad you posted that, so I can tell you I know exactly how you feel and I am 32, four kids and two marriages later in life and I still have that battle... So you think growing up is the fix? :) I just figured my disposition was growing up in a different world, but I guess it is "normal" :)
Sooooo feel the same way! I think (for me at least) at lot of my awkward feelings and "no life" syndrome came aftehaving kids. Literally quit my job and stayed in he house ALL DAY with an infant whom could only cry back. And then I did it AGAIN. What was I thinking? While I will never change my mind on the decision to have kids and stay home there are days that I wish I had friends and a "life" again.
You're not alone...and drugs have helped me (prescription for all your weirdos reading this). :)
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